Do I deserve a break on a public holiday? You bet I do. My idea of chilling out on a lazy day is to sleep in, go for a walk and then do Yoga, allowing it to carry me wherever I feel like it’s taking me.

I am just beginning to deepen my breath, when the first “distraction” arrives. She has got two big brown eyes, a cheeky smile and a little nose that can smell the makings of pop corn even after an hour has passed.  After a hearty hug and kiss I can continue my inner explorations. Then the other distraction arrives, he has got long eyelashes, a charming smile and wicked humor. Sure enough, another good morning hug and kiss and off I go.

Just as I am taking my next deep breath the arguing starts, yet I am still focusing on myself; one pinch, one squeal, another ouch, then a cry, all that, on top of the bed, right beside where I am practicing. Ok, now I am taking another deep breath, not because I have just moved into Urdhva Dhanurasana.

Why oh why do I attract such adversity when all I want is a little peace and quietness? I can only figure that a long lineage of Yogis or God or whoever I believe in is testing my skills. After all I am teaching Yoga! So can I stay calm and relaxed in the middle of turmoil? The answer is sometimes. All I can say is, it is getting easier. If it wasn’t for Yoga I would have probably died of a heart attack already. I used to get pretty worked up about things.

Pratyahara or non-fascination of the senses and Dharana or concentration are but theoretical aspects of Ashtanga Yoga until we translate them into practice in daily life. Few of us have the luxury of meditating and practicing Yoga in calm and remote environments and herein lays the challenge.

It just happens that I also love my little adversaries mentioned above. It is so much more challenging to stay focused on your breath and being calm when you face someone or something that will have you explode.

Living life fully and stay cool (most of the time…) is the ultimate gift Yoga gave me. And….on top of it I am more healthy and energetic as well! So come my little adversaries…bring it on!

My kids are on holidays. We went to the shopping mall and bought some promised toys and there is a big smile and supreme satisfaction on their faces now. For how long that will last, I don’t know. The younger they were, the shorter the time span between this satisfaction and wanting the next thing. As they gradually (or in spurts) grow up more each year, they are learning to wait and practice being content with what they have a little longer each time.  At least I feel like doing my job as a mother teaching them delay of satisfaction.

This satisfaction has nothing to do with Santosha or Contentment, which is a state of being rather than a temporary state of mind when we have fulfilled yet another desire.

Perhaps we get a glimpse of what true contentment is when we watch a beautiful sunset or we see the smile on someone’s face when we have given something without even expecting a thank you in return. We can also experience it when we meditate.

Furthermore true contentment stems from a place within that cannot be shaken regardless of the circumstances around us. Being content doesn’t mean I must accept any condition of life and stop growing and evolving emotionally and spiritually. I consider it a tool of reassessment that allows me to stay centred and at peace when all is not quite how I wish it was.

Santosha is one of the 5 “wise characteristics” (Yamas) of the Patanjali Yoga. The yamas and nyamas are universal in nature and applicable to any belief system as they were codified by wise people, setting guidelines to create harmony in society and within oneself and to expand consciousness. For one of many insights of what Raja Yoga is click: Raja Yoga .

It has become my increasing pleasure to practice Yoga early morning. No class can compare to this. I feel like a microcosm attuning to the macrocosm around me. Without my practice my day feels bland. It is not only my body I attune but also my mind. It makes me feel wonderful, energized and ready to face the challenges of the day.

Simultaneously this offering of Yoga to me is a practice to live any moment with awareness and purpose, even as I execute my other duties in my job and as a mother. As I become more vigilant of my own thought patterns I recognize my own capacity to change them, if they do not empower me. In Yoga terminology this is called tantric sadhana. “The tantric believes that every act, however mundane, if offered to the higher force within oneself, becomes meaningful and a medium through which he can transform awareness.” (Swami Satyasanganandan Saraswati, Tattwa Shuddhi, 1992).

What I feel during my own practice I aim to experience throughout the day.  It is within my mind I decide to make this work, setting aside likes and dislikes. My practice helps me to remind me of how I am supposed to feel throughout the day, full of energy and acutely conscious.

Another lot of students are moving on to new countries, new jobs, and new adventures. It is I who remains here. I find Malaysia a very transient country. There is a lot of movement to and fro.  I am trying to remember some of my Yoga students who have moved on from long ago. Faces and countries appear.  It is a constant letting go.

As an “immigrant” I had my share of good-byes. I thought it might get easier over the time. However the process of letting go is over and over to be learnt anew. A few years back when the good-byes became too painful I decided not to get involved with “people on the move” anymore. But then I realized that I would miss out on real amazing friendships. Life is ever transient and besides there is no guarantee of anyone staying more than a life-time anyways.

I feel very fortunate that with each student who comes to my classes, with each person that enters my realm of life, I learn something new about myself. As I share what I love doing, I get enriched in so many different ways, thus the cycle of life is completed.

Rushing from one place to another; traffic woes. Sit still instead. Opt for a massage.

I am coming to terms with the death of my dear friend Vincent. A cast away body, ready for a new adventure in another realm. It is painful only to us, who stay back; struggling to find balance, to find absolution, to be at peace. So much time we take to tend to this body, only to cast it away at the end.

Where do we go? Where is our last breath taking us?

Heavy rain washes away my thoughts. I am happy to be alive, to be with my loved ones. There is only now. Now I am grateful, now I am content, now I am at peace. Now I watch my cats play, with eager eyes and ears, sensing every change, completely focused on each other.

They just are. Can I just be?  

Is the mind continuously on a downward spiral?  Once I heard in a presentation that having a positive mind is like exercising a muscle, if unused it withers away. In Yoga we call this Abhyasa (making an effort), which is part of Panchata Kriya or meditation in daily life. Well, I think if you are not lucky enough to be born into a perfect environment, where there are only positive role models, we all have to make an effort to keep our minds constructive rather than destructive.  

Another aspect of Panchata Kriya is Vairagya (not colouring with any pre-conceived ideas).  How many times do we react to another person unproportionately because something is bothering us that has nothing to do with that person?

Swadhyaya or self-study helps us to remain more objective and is an important skill to separate our own issues with other peoples’ problems.  By studying or learning about positive role-models, whether it be scriptures or books like “eat pray love” we create possibilities to expand our minds in a unlimited way.

Tapas, where we balance physical and mental behavior allows us to practice discipline. Hatha-Yoga is a form of tapas. It takes commitment and discipline to practice postures or Asanas, which help us to create balance in body, mind and spirit. And finally Ishwara-Pranidhana  or self-surrender , where we devote our actions to something greater that, we trust, exists. It takes the pressure off us, and helps us to live more responsible and joyfully.

There are times where I look at my life with astonishment and marvel at the people and places I had the good fortune to encounter. Although I give thanks to the many blessings in my life, it can be a challenge to stay present and acknowledge the little miracles in daily life. It could be the smile of my children I don’t see when I rush to work in the morning. Did I miss that amazing orange sky last evening because I was busy talking? Was I too busy thinking about something else when I got that heartfelt hug from a friend?

When I was travelling in India, I stayed in Dharamsala and met one of the locals. He asked me where I have been and I proudly counted down the list of places I have visited in the world. He looked at me not with admiration but just said: “Why do you have to go to all these places in the world when everything you need to discover is already inside of you?”

In meditation we practice presence. The real challenge is to stay present as we encounter life. To stay present even if we don’t like something (Dwesha = dislike\repulsion) or feel attracted towards it (Raga = liking/pleasure). To be absolutely absorbed by the moment without judging it.

I was there in the park after the heavy rain, the mist hung over the trees and this multicolored bird sat right there on a branch in front of me. I breathed in this moment as if it was my last. What joy and honor to be in the presence of this bird.

Four days of a blissful Yoga-Seminar and teacher training with Desiree Rumbaugh. I am at the top of my energy, although I am seriously sore and aching. Next thing I am back in life, driving to the park and this jerk swerves in front of me without indicating.

There goes my calm and newfound peace and although I am curbing my expletives to as little as I can muster with my temper, I still feel sorry for the people that are in my car and who have to listen to me. The best thing to do is to get out and away from them before they get to know my shadow side a lot deeper. Thank God for Puji, my household helper, so I can run off into the park as soon as I park. I am I upset and irritable.

I am watching myself and thinking why? Running a couple of rounds and doing my EFT calms me down and I begin appreciating the sheer luxury of being able to run off like this into the greenery. Another few hundred metres and I start giving thanks to the fact that I am in a position to train with amazing teachers, have a loving family and supportive friends I can count on. Life is good!

There is no moment that is more precious than now. Moral of the story: Be in the moment, even if it pisses you off, deal with it, get on with it and continue counting your blessings.

mummy and Maya

There are many things I miss at times. Time to be more creative,  lunches with friends, and the leisure to shop whenever everybody else is at work. However there is a newfound satisfaction of feeling more independent, of having a steady income that doesn’t fluctuate in the tides of public holidays.  As idealistic I’d like to see it, we Yoga teachers pay bills like everyone else and the increasing competition hasn’t made it easier to guarantee a steady flow of students.

So now I teach because I love to, though I’d ideally love to teach more. Being a mother and a wife has the implications of wanting to be with my family when they are around. Ultimately that’s the time everyone else wants to practice Yoga. See what I mean? Life is short. It is also very hectic in Kuala Lumpur. Half of the day I am trying to get to one place or another, although I substantially reduced mine and my children’s activities to work, school and outdoor-play.

The older I get, and I am not saying that I feel old, the more I claim respite, as my birthright. Nobody really can make me do anything that I haven’t chosen. I am tired of pretending I like something when I am not and I am tired to massage away my cellulite or tone my sagging skin. I do Yoga because it brings me to that core that gets buried under trillions of little tasks and opinions. My midlife-realization is about acceptance that life doesn’t go on forever and I might as well make the best of it.

Yes, I am still teaching, less though. It has been an intense four months since I started my full-time work. My respects to all those who juggle job, family and perhaps squeeze a little time in for themselves. I am grateful I don’t have to join the rush-hours. My Yoga practice has never been more important than now. I helps me to stay sane, grounded and focused on what’s really important. It is time to re-evaluate goals, re-assess my life. Dreams do come true with the right focus.  Nelson Mandelas` speech “I have a dream” still inspires, as its message is time-less:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a Child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 Have a great New Year, Western or Chinese and keep on dreaming…