Four days of a blissful Yoga-Seminar and teacher training with Desiree Rumbaugh. I am at the top of my energy, although I am seriously sore and aching. Next thing I am back in life, driving to the park and this jerk swerves in front of me without indicating. There goes my calm and newfound peace and although I am curbing my expletives to as little as I can muster with my temper, I still feel sorry for the people that are in my car and who have to listen to me. The best thing to do is to get out and away from them before they get to know my shadow side a lot deeper. Thank God for Puji, my household helper, so I can run off into the park as soon as I park. I am I upset and irritable. I am watching myself and thinking why? Running a couple of rounds and doing my EFT calms me down and I begin appreciating the sheer luxury of being able to run off like this into the greenery. Another few hundred metres and I start giving thanks to the fact that I am in a position to train with amazing teachers, have a loving family and supportive friends I can count on. Life is good! There is no moment that is more precious than now. Moral of the story: Be in the moment, even if it pisses you off, deal with it, get on with it and continue counting your blessings.

mummy and Maya

There are many things I miss at times. Time to be more creative,  lunches with friends, and the leisure to shop whenever everybody else is at work. However there is a newfound satisfaction of feeling more independent, of having a steady income that doesn’t fluctuate in the tides of public holidays.  As idealistic I’d like to see it, we Yoga teachers pay bills like everyone else and the increasing competition hasn’t made it easier to guarantee a steady flow of students.

So now I teach because I love to, though I’d ideally love to teach more. Being a mother and a wife has the implications of wanting to be with my family when they are around. Ultimately that’s the time everyone else wants to practice Yoga. See what I mean? Life is short. It is also very hectic in Kuala Lumpur. Half of the day I am trying to get to one place or another, although I substantially reduced mine and my children’s activities to work, school and outdoor-play.

The older I get, and I am not saying that I feel old, the more I claim respite, as my birthright. Nobody really can make me do anything that I haven’t chosen previously. I am tired of pretending I like something when I am not and I am tired to massage away my cellulite or tone my sagging skin. I do Yoga because it brings me to that core that gets buried under trillions of little tasks and opinions. My midlife-realization is about acceptance that life doesn’t go on forever and I might as well make the best of it.

Yes, I am still teaching, less though. It has been an intense four months since I started my full-time work. My respects to all those who juggle job, family and perhaps squeeze a little time in for themselves. I am grateful I don’t have to join the rush-hours. My Yoga practice has never been more important than now. I helps me to stay sane, grounded and focused on what’s really important. It is time to re-evaluate goals, re-assess my life. Dreams do come true with the right focus.  Nelson Mandelas` speech “I have a dream” still inspires, as its message is time-less:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a Child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 Have a great New Year, Western or Chinese and keep on dreaming…

What a dream! I am cruising through the air, a sparkling magic lake beneath me, and then I get pulled down and dragged out of this delicious dream by the alarm bell. It is 5am and I am not pleased. My alter-ego and I start arguing:

Alter-ego:I am tired, I didn’t get enough sleep

Ego: If I don’t get up now, I’ll regret it for the rest of the day.

Alter-ego: Why do I have to get up so early?

Ego: Get your butt out of the bed!

Alter-ego: Just five more minutes…

Ego: Get up now!

 Sounds familiar, right? The trick is to give the ego more momentum and let it win. This way I remember the next day how good it felt, when I did get up and I can add to the dialogue: it feels great, doing Yoga before my working day starts. I admit, my dreams are not always great, however my alter-ego will always find an excuse not to get up. Have fun!

They are pretty, they are elegant and they fit perfectly to one of my skirts. I am talking about the shoes I am eagerly eying in one of the shops at the mall. But I should know better. I am no Cinderella but a Yoga practitioner and all that grounding and spreading my toes have rendered them incapable of fitting into pretty and pointed shoes. Even though my comfy Scholls make my feet sigh with pleasure they look poorly matched with feminine attire. Starting Yoga from the feet up is what I teach and practice and now I have to live with the consequences of my feet not wanting to compromise their firm stand anymore. Still, I am the boss, not my feet. Succumbing to my desire I soon regretted my purchase when after half hour not only my feet, but also knees and back started to protest in agony. After all they like to be supported by the four corners of my feet: “The mound of the big toe, mound of the little toe, back of the inner heel, and back of the outer heel” [1]. With that awareness, I raise and spread my toes, bring them back to the ground, then draw those four points up into the lower leg equally, and lift the arches (especially flat arches). To stand firmly on the ground does not only alleviate possible lower back problems, it also is the most important preparation before moving into any other Yoga posture. Good-bye pointed shoes and thank god for platforms and wedges, that is where I found my compromise. Yogini or not, I still like to look good.

[1] Friend, John, Anusara Yoga Teacher Training Manual, Anusara Press, The Woodlands, 2006, p. 45

Have you ever tried to play piano with three boys playing fustal in the living room and a little girl “tuning” in with a mouth-organ? Well, if you are as tired as I am after a long day of whatever,  it ain’t matter anymore. My mind is so blank that my fingers seem to slide over the keys automatically (not necessarily beautifully). Deepak Chopra said that life as we perceive it is a fraction of the “energy-soup” that exists. Well, at that moment it felt like I was swimming in my mother’s delicious vegetable soup, cruising around the carrots and potatoes and being generally oblivious to the deeper meaning of life. I am not fooling myself into thinking this is some sort of “pratyahara” (non-fascination of senses). It is rather a coping mechanism: if it all gets too much, I simply tune out. So what is the difference of “tuning out” and meditation? According to Georg Feuerstein (The Shambhala Encyclopedia of YOGA) meditation, although a process of “vacating and unifying consciousness”, is paired up with awareness. In other words it creates complete clarity, whereas simply tuning out leaves us in a state of confusion. Another aspect of meditation versus tuning out is that meditation energizes, whereas tuning out leaves us depleted. The morale of the story: Meditate more! It can be as simple as removing myself from the chaos for 10 min. a day into a quiet corner and focus on my breath.

I just love this little grocery store which incidentally exhibits an astonishing amount of products in the smallest space possible! There is no wastage of time, if you forget a thing. There is no wishing for roller-skates to get to the cereals. All you need to do is to navigate yourself past the staff and other customers in an unspoken code of who will stop, turn sideways and allows others to pass.

Waiting at the counter, entirely satisfied and happy with my shopping experience, I hear the unmistaken squeaking of a rat. Starting to get worried about my Parmesan I watch two men looking intently down at the cupboard behind the counter. The squeaking is getting louder, alternated with little screams of a woman!? My heart sinks, although I am no rat-lover, I know this one had no chance. As the squeaking becomes more intense, so does the shrieking of the (poor) lady teller. The clobbering of the rat that follows is only intensified by imagination since it all happens behind the counter.

Ahimsa or non-violence, one of the yamas outlined by Sage Patanjali, is probably one of the hardest living principles to follow. When it comes to rats, cockroaches and mosquitoes I pretend I have never heard of such a thing. Some of Kuala Lumpur’s population unfortunately contributes substantially to the proliferation of such pests by indiscriminately dumping their rubbish into backlines and other unsuitable places.

For now I practice Ahimsa as Donna Farhi describes it in “Yoga Mind, Body & Spirit”: To learn how to be non-violent toward ourselves. It takes some self-control not to bring our competitive society into the Yoga-room. Practicing Yoga without hurting ourselves requires awareness, attention and slowing-down. A slow practice intensifies our experience of the moment. We become aware of hurts and pleasures alike. We start realizing our tendencies to avoid certain postures and jump into others with enthusiasm. We have time to become aware of our thoughts. Mine are with that rat and who is to blame for its existence. Us, the rubbish-producers or the rat and its innate will to survive?

It has been three days and still no sign of my glasses. My reading-material is reduced to size 12 font with daylight and my arms are all but getting too short to hold the magazines. Talking about being mindless per se as I have absolutely no inkling where I have put them. It started with little misplacements, such as leaving them amidst the dishes or finding them in the (er) toilet. Somehow I still managed to retract my steps and get to them with a sigh of relieve. This time my mind just draws a blank spot whenever I try to recall where I last used them. Thank God for computers and their ability to increase the fonts to adjust to tired and over 40is-eyes, so at least I can ramble on about my glasses AND am able to read it. Being mindless is no state of being. Perhaps the Buddhist monks did not have to remember to bring and pick up two children on time, do the laundry, cooking and groceries, be the counselor for any family member who feels treated unfairly, fight to negotiate TV times etc.. Perhaps being mindful in a monastery with beautiful gardens and tranquil surroundings proved to be a far more possible thing then living in the midst of Kuala Lumpur.  Maybe this is all just an excuse to continue living a mindless day. Having said that, I shall make an effort to watch my breath whenever I catch myself rushing, ranting or running. I shall remember to live mindfully especially when it is the most challenging and hopefully I will find my glasses again.

It has been an awesome five days with Amy Ippoliti, certified Anusara Yoga teacher, in Kuala Lumpur. I even managed to participate in one of the Eye of the Tigress practices and got to bend and twist to a maximum level. Being a true Yogi I of course didn’t look around to see other people sweating their stuff. Cirque soleil would have a field day recruiting here… Oops, I did look… Amy presented this seminar with true professionalism and I couldn’t help but be pulled in by her high standards. Although I didn’t win an award I am now thanking all the people that made it possible for me to be there, which is my hubby, brother in law, and my dear friends. I feel truly nourished with knowledge, undigested though and shall continue integrating this learning experience into all aspects of my life and teachings.

Anyone not living in Malaysia will declare me a spoilt brat. Why? Our maid ran off and left us with all the housework and the babysitting… To defend my position however, I must say that I organized my life around having help in the house. I won’t bore you with details but I am pretty busy without having to mop the floor and that doesn’t include facials or having my nails done… This is one of the advantages of living in Malaysia. You can actually afford help. Now that is beside the point. The point is that everything and everyone changes all the time. It is a constant adaptation to the moment. Just as I want to be present in my breath during Yoga practice I now need to be more present for my children and household chores. It is so much more challenging to practice Yoga when you have a million other things to do. That brings me to an observation I made the other day, when I attended a morning session with Edward Clark. I love being a student and always feel inspired by other teachers, their knowledge and creativity. We focused on breathing and the Bandhas and how to implement them while doing the postures. However when I came back home I felt grumpy and not quite willing to deal with my 3-year old daughter who has her 3-year old-moments very frequently. So again how serious am I in staying centered? When it suits me? When it is pleasant, exciting or calming? Can I stay focused and content and practice my Ujyay breath when I am doing mundane day-to-day chores rather then Eka Pada Urdhva Dhanurasana (one legged wheel-pose)? Practicing Yoga can be escapism if that is the only time I am able to focus, breathe and be at the moment. So here I go, the challenge is to stay in the same moment of joy, peace and satisfaction whether I finally managed to stand free in a handstand or I just folded and ironed my whole laundry.